What Changes After Someone Becomes the Family Caregiver

Written by Kevin Boxx

If your dad needs help getting to his physical therapy appointment, of course, you’re going to drive him. That’s never in question. If you have the time, you’ll also take him to lunch after and then spend some time with him at home.

You’re an adult now, and it’s your turn to help out your parents here and there.

You’ll also pick up blood pressure medicine on your way home and take it to them, because, why not? And you never forget to call at 6 P.M. to see if your mom ate something other than toast because she’s been having trouble eating lately.

An appointment here, a call there, and you almost have a second job.

You find yourself rearranging your calendar around doctor visits, and your parents start to feel more like a responsibility than just parents. It seems you’re in charge now, but the thing is, you never applied for the job in the first place.

Source: Electronic Caregiver

The Change Happens Before Anyone Even Mentions It

There’s no official ceremony in which you’re made the official family caregiver.

Actually, that term never even comes up in most families. What happens is that one day, you simply notice that you’re drinking your morning coffee at your mom’s kitchen table, not your own. And the reason you check your phone is HER pharmacy alerts, not your notifications.

It doesn’t matter if you have siblings or not; this happens everywhere.

There’s that one person who becomes the go-to for everyone and everything. You’re the one who gets called when Dad refuses to take a shower and when Mom asks you to drive her to the grocery store because you’re the only one she trusts behind the wheel.

The paperwork, the check-ins, the frantic 10 P.M. calls when something’s not right – really, it’s all on you.

After a while, this becomes almost impossibly difficult.

You have to cancel yet another vacation because your parents need you, so you resent them and also feel guilty about that resentment. You’re exhausted from making decisions for other people; you have no time for your own family, and even on those rare occasions when you do, you can never completely relax because the phone might ring at any given moment.

And on top of all of that, you live in constant fear that you’ll make the wrong call and something terrible will happen because of it.

And someone might ask, why not talk to your parents? Why not explain how you feel? Why not move them into a nursing home?

And it’s not like any of those thoughts have never crossed your mind, but those are difficult conversations to have. A nursing home seems like the obvious choice, but you’ve heard one too many stories of negligence and fatal bed sores in nursing homes to risk sending your parents there.

Besides, this could all just be temporary, right? You know that’s a lie in the back of your mind, but you keep telling it to yourself to make the situation easier.

Source: Aging Wisely | Highgate Senior Living Blog – Highgate Senior Living

How to Handle Things Better

When you become the one in charge, the silence inside the family will mess you up more than any amount of work.

Why? Because everyone assumes that whatever needs to get done will get done.

By you, of course. And you never complain, so they all think you’re cool with how it is. You make it look so easy. Why would anyone think your parents need that much help? Meanwhile, you’re losing your mind and feeling guilty because you’re cranky and exhausted.

But nobody’s talking because nobody wants to admit what a mess this situation is.

If you’re at this point, then having that awkward conversation is the only way out.

Not out in the sense that you won’t help out at all anymore, but out in the sense that you’re not the only one doing anything anymore. If things haven’t quite come to this, then you’re in luck because you can arrange some stuff in advance.

Being a family caregiver is incredibly stressful, and it shouldn’t all fall on one single person. So, sit down with your parents and siblings and talk things over.

Talk about money, legal paperwork, medical wishes, whether staying home is realistic or not, and so on. Be brutally honest, and if your parents push back, that’s just the fear of losing their independence. They’re embarrassed because they need help, and they’re terrified of being a burden, so cut them some slack and try to understand their reaction.

If you don’t do everything by yourself, this will become MUCH easier. Hire a home health aide if you can, ask a neighbor for help, and let your siblings pitch in. You can even find a caregiver support group where you’ll find people who are going through the same thing you are and who understand exactly how you feel.

Conclusion

If you talk to your family about this stuff beforehand, everyone’s lives will be much easier.

If not, then… good luck? You’re in for an awkward conversation either way, but it’s less awkward if it happens on time.

It’s not a fun topic of conversation, but it needs to happen for the good of everyone involved.